Everything Was Beautiful and Nothing Hurt
by BeautifulMoreSo
Summary: What if Edward couldn't stay away? Leaving his family behind in Alaska, Edward returns to Forks in an attempt to punish himself for the things he's done. But he can only stay quiet and avoid her for so long...AU NM
1. Fire and Ice

_**I don't own Twilight or any of it's characters. I was simply inspired one day by an empty bed and a glass of red wine to write something angsty that didn't end up in SM's version of her wonderful books. Please don't hate me too much for the butchering that may ensue. Longer AN at the end of this chapter. **_

_EPOV._

_Five weeks, two days, one hour, and twenty seven minutes. That's how long it has been since we left Forks to come here, to start over. To figure out what to do with ourselves now that I had successfully ruined my life and the life my entire family had made for themselves in Forks. I can't take this anymore..._

"I don't _know_ how long I'll be gone. I just… I can't stay here like this. I need to be able to deal with things in my own way, Esme." I couldn't bring myself to look my adoptive mother in the face, knowing all too well the anguish that I would find monopolizing her usually radiant features, especially since I was the one at fault for her pain.

I could see Alice in my peripheral vision standing rigid and angry with her gaze pointedly on me. She was 'eavesdropping' from the living room, and had positioned herself purposely just out of Esme's view. She was the picture of a dainty, furious statue with her left hand pressed heel and nails against the glass of the slider door that looked out across the vast expanse of the Denali clan's acreage, her other hand gripping tightly to her left bicep as she stared me down like the dog that I was, nearly burning a hole right through the side of my head. Her back was ramrod straight and her jaws were set in a cold scowl. I did what I could to ignore her, rather unsuccessfully.

_We're __**going**__ to talk about this, Edward. I know where you're planning to go, so don't you think even for half a second that you're doing this alone._ Her thoughts were heavy and final and I ground my teeth together in response, doing my best to keep the irritation from my face so that Esme didn't think my frustrations were aimed towards her.

Esme reached an unsteady hand up to gingerly cradle the side of my face. Not able to trust her voice, she instead aimed her thoughts at me as she stared both lovingly and painfully worried into my blackening eyes.

_I trust you know what you need to do better than any of us do. Carlisle will go mad just sitting around here not being able to work, so I'm sure we'll be leaving Alaska very soon. I'll inform Tanya and her family right away as to our whereabouts, so when you're ready you can come back home to us. __**Please**__, Edward. Come back to us._

I made no promises to her that day; I couldn't. I refused to break any more promises and I would not hurt her any more than I already had. Instead, I squeezed the fingers she still had rested on my cheek and gently pulled them from my face. I nodded then, and before she could say anything more I retreated from the house.

I could feel Jasper's eyes on me from the guestroom window but I didn't turn around. I didn't care to say good bye to anyone, I had enough of 'goodbye' for the rest of my existence.

As I made my retreat I knew Alice would not be far behind. I contemplated making a run for it knowing that I could easily out run her, but being sure that she was far more persistent than I was fast, I knew she would find me regardless. It would do nothing but feed her fire to try to escape her now, and I didn't have the energy to do so.

As was expected, I was hardly a mile from the house when her thoughts began their rapid-fire assault on me.

_Edward Anthony Mason Cullen you'd better stop right where you are and I mean __**now**__. _I clenched my hands into fists at the sound of my full name and my temper began to boil. Who the Hell was she to act like she was my mother?

I kept walking until I heard her closing the distance between us. _Five. Four. Three. Two. _I stopped abruptly then and spun on my heel, Alice slammed into my chest with a loud _'crack!' _cursing me both mentally and audibly as she attempted to regain her composure and steady herself.

"What, Alice?!" I was in no mood for confrontation or advice.

"I'm going with you, that's what." she said very matter-of-fact.

"No. You're not. You need to stay here, with them; with Jasper. They need you." I said, my voice shaking with anger and pain. I was suffering; dying without the one thing that allowed my cold dead heart to come as close as it ever would to beating again.

"They'll be fine, Edward." Alice stressed, dismissing my misgivings about her being separated from her lover just to watch over me as I tortured myself with all that I'd given up. "_You_ are the one who is all screwed up. The only reason they're so bent out of shape is because they're worried about you." she crossed her arms over her chest staring up at me intently.

"Alice, I appreciate the concern, but I need to be alone. I need to-"

"To what, Edward? To go back there and sulk? To torture yourself over the girl that your entire existence revolves around but you decided to push out of your life because you believe that somehow you're protecting her?" her words cut into my chest like claws, raking open the already tender gashes that covered my heart, and seemed to be dripping with acidity down my chest into the pit of my stomach. I clutched my arms around myself as tightly as I could, suddenly unable to stand up straight. My head hanging low, and the usually unnecessary breaths I took now coming out in giant huffs, I snarled at Alice with all of the malice I could muster.

"I **AM **PROTECTING HER!" I yelled, jerking my head up and all but spitting in her face. Alice took a small step back as venom spat from my lips across her nose and left cheek. "I don't need you following me back to Forks! This has nothing to do with you!" I turned then, expecting to have shocked her into silence enough to keep her from following me, but I was wrong.

"Nothing to do with me?" the words came out in a huff of disbelief as she stormed behind me. "I _love_ her, Edward. She is my best _fucking _friend! You made me stop looking for her. You made me abandon her at the most heart breaking and torturous time in her entire life, and you have the audacity to tell me that it has absolutely nothing to do with _me_?" She grabbed me by the arm and spun me back around to face her. The hurt and anger that distorted my sister's features nearly brought me to my knees. I took a deep breath, opening my mouth to speak but nothing came to me. I simply stared into Alice's upset eyes as she shook her head back in forth in furious disbelief and when I noticed her bottom lip begin to tremble, I lost it. Every bit of resolve I'd mustered and every ounce of determination to keep myself together until I was alone, back in our old house and away from my family, it crumpled with my body into the icy Alaskan floor.

"I know you love her, Alice. _I_ love her. I loved her before she even knew I loved her. I love her now even though I lied through my teeth and made her believe that I don't! And I will love her until the end of my existence." I said it all with the passion and conviction I felt coursing through my veins.

"I'm sorry, Alice. I'm so sorry…." I repeated, feeling as though the world was folding in on me and the icy fingers of death were stealing away all of the other words from my mouth. I sat for a long moment, trying to catch my breath and fumble for the right way to make Alice understand that she couldn't come with me.

"Alice, please. Don't look for her. Don't follow me to Forks. Not yet. I need to do this on my own, okay? What I need is for you to stay here and look after Esme." My breaths were dragging hard like an asthmatic gasping for air against fluid filled lungs.

Alice sat beside me in the snow, her voice small and careful now. "Edward, don't do this. I haven't looked for Bella since we left, I kept my promise, and I will continue to. Just please-"

I didn't look up from my trembling knees as I grabbed the fingers of her right hand and squeezed.

"I promise you I will come back. If you need anything, you know where to find me. I'm in no shape to help myself right now much less try to be a good son or brother or anything else to anyone else."

"Nobody is expecting anything from you, Edward."

I sighed and turned my face to hers, recognizing the hurt and desperation I'd seen in another face that I loved, but in a whole different manner. I squeezed my eyes shut, unable to keep my composure and look her in the face.

"I know that. I'm sorry Alice, but I'm doing this alone-"

"-but"

"No!" I shook my head. "I need you to promise me that you won't look for me either. For a while at least. _Please_?"

She was quiet then and I could hear her trying to sort through her thoughts. She grew very indecisive and I knew she was on the brink of giving in. We both stood then, and without saying a word, she finally agreed to give me my space. Before I turned away, she grabbed a hold of my hand.

_I know you're holding me to my promises, Edward, but I'll be holding you to yours too. I'm not following you right now, but that doesn't mean that I won't come back to Forks if I feel like I need to._

That was good enough for me, for now. I nodded then, thanking Alice with my eyes, and took off through the Alaskan wilderness back to the place I last, and would _always_ call home.

**This has been a mad work in progress for a good five months or better. For working on it so long I'm sure you'd expect more but dangit this is really just for my own outlet and if you don't like it, then fine you don't have to read any further:) I have to say a HUGE thank you to Jess (Shamrockin) my muse, Kayla (the alpha), Andrea (the Beta), Alayna (for catching my misprint haha), and Kate (the red head) for giving me the push to keep writing the slop I write and giving me the best constructive criticism ever. I love you guys with my whole heart. **

**A LOT is going to come out of this, so bear with me for the first few chapters while everything gets itself hashed out and rolling. I promise it gets more exciting and angsty and what not. This story will have it's slightly OOC tendencies and is rather AU, just so you're aware so please don't bite my head off if something doesn't exactly line up with the books. I'm going with the idea that everything went as it did in Twilight and Edward left as he did in New Moon but afer he left Bella in the woods is where I'm going to scramble things up a bit. So yes, thank you again for reading. The next chapter will be up, who knows when? I'm working on some edits. I have a good 15+ chapters written for this, but they came out of me in random order so it might take a while to post at first. **

You're all lovely:) 3


	2. You Remind Me of Home

**A/N: wow, chapter 2. This took a lot of reworking and I'm still a little shaky with the timeline's at the bottom. I'm hoping they work, if not i'll just come back later and rework them haha. Thanks to mewithoutYou for being amazing and inspirational and allowing me to use your lyrics and your songs to name this fic, and some of the chapters inside:) **

**BIG HUGE AMAZING thank you to Kayla for her endless Alpha-ing. Staying up late, researching, texting, and digging for me like a champ. Andrea, for reminding me of my grammer and punctuation errors like a true beta and finding the extra helpful things that I needed to tweak this. Jess for getting giddy and being willing to help and spending hours on AIM with me through all of this. Oh my muse:) and of course to Kate for being the best bffl ever and putting up with me through this mess and giving me awesome ideas when I was confusing myself and running in circles:) 3**

**Enough with the blabbing. This chapter goes out to Bear Hug Please for the wonderful review and being the first person who isn't a real life friend to give my story a chance. You made me super happy!**

**I do not own, no copyright intended, etc...**

**xxxxx**

I entered Forks at some unknown hour in the middle of the night and felt the weight of the world that it held, _my_ world, crushing like mountains atop my throbbing chest.

Though I couldn't see her, I could feel her. Everything about this place screamed _**Bella**_ with the force of a great torrential rain, and it knocked the wind from my dormant lungs. I briefly second-guessed my return, turning around and running full speed back across the boundary line but made it no further.

This place was calling to me. I needed to be here; I deserved to suffer the way I had caused my family to suffer, and more so than I knew I had caused Bella to suffer. I had a lot of thinking to do and a great deal of punishment to endure; I would not run away from this the way I did her, as I did my heart and my arguably existent soul.

I paced uncertain in the middle of the vast expanse of Olympic Peninsula for an immeasurable amount of time trying to collect myself. I could already sense the haze beginning to wash over me as all of our memories came tumbling back in powerful waves, literally knocking me to my knees. Curled up like a lost child on the forest floor, I wept, heaving with tearless sobs. I thought it was bad when I left, and it was. But coming back… returning and knowing that she, the reason that the stars twinkle in the sky and the moon hangs its head for me at night, is so close but I just can not take her for my own; this was incomparable to even the searing torturous venom as it invaded my body the night Carlisle turned me into this cursed creature I was damned to be for eternity. It was absolutely crippling.

Hours passed, and when I finally pulled myself from the 'haze' enough to be coherent, the sun was just beginning to crawl above the horizon casting a dim lavender glow over the earth. I realized then how unnaturally quiet the forest had become. I'd done well just by being present here to scare away whatever wild life had inhabited both tree and ground in my wallowing.

I knew I couldn't stay here and risk being seen by anyone if the sun _did_ decide to shine today, and knowing too that the creatures I'd driven off deserved the peace of their home returned, I stood up slowly, dragging my knuckles across the earth as I did so. As I stumbled through the forest, I wrapped my arms back around my torso trying to hold myself together long enough to make it to the house.

I walked the rest of the way there, wishing with everything inside of me that I could cry real tears. The dry sobs that heaved my shoulders forward and shook my entire body ached and burned in a way I imagined stomach acid burned a human's throat as they vomited the contents of an empty stomach. Again, I realized that I deserved every bit of the endless pain I was in.

I couldn't tell you what time it was when I finally reached the Cullen household. All I was aware of was that the clouds had moved over the rising sun and replaced its rays with violent showers of rain. I was soaked from head to toe as I dragged my feet up the winding wooden steps and through the front door, but I hardly noticed enough to care. As soon as I had opened the door, the scent hit me like a freight train.

_Bella_.

My senses were immediately on high alert and my body closed around her scent like a baby's hand on a rattle. I could smell her and it lit both my throat and chest ablaze. I cried out in agony, slamming the door shut behind me and slid with my back against the door to the wood floor. Shaking, I wrapped my arms around my knees and buried my head in my lap.

I stayed in this position, for the next three days.

On that third day, I lifted my head before the rest of my body slowly followed suit and stalked up the stairs, stopping just shy of my bedroom. My hands trembled violently and I nearly shook the door handle to pieces as I turned it and shoved the flimsy wooden barrier out of my way. I squeezed my eyes shut as the door swung open, holding my breath in anticipation of the things I had to face on the other side. The door swung wide and crashed against the inside wall, pieces of the drywall crumbling to the floor and scattering about my feet.

_What the hell are you waiting for? Go in!_ I mentally scolded myself. My nostrils flared of their own accord at my internal chastising and I breathed in deep. Immediately my senses were completely overwhelmed. My eyes shot open wide in search of her. It was almost difficult for me to decipher whether she was here or if it was only a memory. No. Not a memory. Something was doused in her intoxicating aroma and I had to find it. I had to get it out of here before it killed me.

In my eagerness and desperation to find the personal piece of Kryptonite hidden in my room, I tore its furnishings to pieces. I picked the small wooden chair from the corner and slung it against the far wall, cringing slightly as it cracked and tumbled into three separate pieces on the floor. I tore through the pile of dirty clothing in the wicker hamper Alice had given me for Christmas one year, digging fervently and tossing the clothes behind me. I gasped for air in small doses, my eyes stinging and my throat burning as if I'd just tossed back a heavy shot of gasoline and chased it with a lit match. I growled in frustration when I came up empty handed, tipping the hamper over on its side and turning, wild eyed, for the remainder of my room. In one motion, I slung my arms against the stack of journals on my floor and sent them sailing across the clothing and pieces of chair I'd just ransacked.

Nothing.

_Where are you?! _I nearly screamed as I plunged my hands into my hair and pulled against the roots, my eyes scanning the devastation I'd just caused across the entirety of my dusty floorboards. I paced the floor, beginning to think that I was really just going mad and had imagined it all along when I stopped in my tracks.

_There it is. _My heart had gone from dropping into the pit of my stomach to seemingly being lodged in my throat. I could not breathe nor swallow.

Lying in a small heap on the floor of my closet was the light blue t-shirt Bella had left behind the last time she and Alice had a sleep over. I loved this color blue on her. I was almost sure that's why Alice had dressed her up in it for me to come home to after Emmett and I were through hunting. She looked breathtakingly beautiful and I was entranced by the way this shade of blue made her chocolate doe eyes stand out from her soft milky face. I felt my mouth twitch in an attempt to smile at the memory, but was reminded all too quickly of the fact that it was just that: a memory.

I walked over to the closet and slowly bent down, internally debating if I wanted to pick it up or simply kick it to the back of the closet and close its doors for good, trapping her scent inside. But of course: being the sick masochist that I am, I grasped the soft blue cotton between my thumb and forefinger not even realizing that I was biting down on the corner of my bottom lip.

_What a Bella thing to do._ I closed my eyes and swallowed hard, releasing my bottom lip from my teeth and trying desperately not to tremble.

I brought the shirt to my face and inhaled deeply, the smell of freesia, strawberries, dust, and girl filled my lungs and did not leave my body as I exhaled sharply at the ache that made itself known in me once again.

_What have I done to myself? _

I clutched Bella's shirt in my fist and let my eyes travel- across the floor boards and over the walls of my old room. I scanned the shelves of books and music that now held no interest to me whatsoever. As my eyes raked over the hundreds of records and albums, I zeroed in on the fading outlines of Bella's fingerprints along the jewel cases of my CD collection, remembering the way she stood awestruck as she examined the music I enjoyed. I remembered the way her shirt clung close to her body to accentuate her glorious figure in all the right places, the way her teeth tugged at her bottom lip when she was embarrassed or concentrating, how her finger tips were so careful and feather light as she dragged them curiously across my books and albums and then my cheekbones and the planes of my chest. The look in her eyes and the flutter of her heart were committed to my memory and I knew, or at least I think I knew, she loved me.

_She loved me, and I left her. And now I'm miserable without her._ The more I thought of it, the more the whole situation, my decision to let her go included, seemed like a huge mistake. I almost wished I could retrace my foot steps and take it all back, but then I remember why I did it. It's so terribly unfair.

I swallowed against the lump in my chest and sucked the air in through my teeth, crinkling my forehead and clamping my jaws shut at the thirst that set fire to my throat. I ran my tongue along the inside of my cheek and attempted to take deep steadying breaths. I inhaled long and wide in hopes that the cool air would extinguish some of the flame, but it only caused them to flicker and sting uncomfortably as if small embers had detached themselves from somewhere in my mouth and traveled further down towards my gut.

I was suddenly sickeningly desperate for something else to focus on. I knew I needed to hunt, I could feel the starving bruises forming beneath my eyes and the flames growing hotter the more I ignored my thirst. But I hated what I was and I had no desire for any sort of nourishment or indulgence in anything. I flopped down on the floor amongst the mess I'd made, papers and dirty socks crinkling and balling up beneath me. As I scanned over the wreckage, I scooped up a few of my old journals, absentmindedly thumbing through them without any real interest in their content. That is, until I reached the journal I'd started a mere nine months and six days ago, to the day.

_**18th January**_

_Everything was easy. Everything was fine. Everything was ugly and senseless and painful._

_But nothing I had experienced in this tiny unforgiving town could compare to the inferno that now burns within me. She walked into the room and my entire being was ablaze with blood lust and want and need._

_I loathe this woman._

_I have never in my life wanted to drain someone dry as much as I desperately wished to empty Bella's body through that soft bit of flesh in the hollow of her throat. I could see myself, one hand twisted in her silky brown locks, one hand gripping her left hip, her body trembling and her blood coating and satiating the flames licking at my tongue and throat. She would soothe me as well as she tormented me._

_I am a monster._

_She is not safe here, and I am the reason._

_Who is this woman whose blood sings to me? Who is she that I can not read her or hear her thoughts? What is she made of that makes her blood so irresistible and closes the door to her mind from my searching hands?_

_If I implicate my family over one unknowing little girl, I will never be able to forgive myself. We have worked too hard to live a peaceful life with the rest of society and I am sinful enough without carelessly murdering an innocent, beautiful, horrid child._

_This is not safe._

_She is not safe here._

_I can not go back._

_**2nd March**_

_Her scent is more intoxicating than anything I've ever experienced. Her deep chocolate eyes tease at the black and white keys of my motionless heart with their long lashes like the fingers of a great pianist; pounding, sliding, twinkling, and easing masterfully with each flutter, creating an achingly intricate and beautiful melody that only her soft sighs, quickened breaths, and tempest heartbeats could fill in and smooth out. The softness of her skin and the fullness of her lips strum and pick gracefully at my soul strings, and her blood sings the alto, soprano, tenor, and bass of our secret opus._

_I watch her, frustrated and mesmerized. She watches me, scared and curious and waiting._

_As I listen, I realize that the chorus and verses and lyrics are all call and answer._

_She is calling._

_And tomorrow, I will run ahead of the walking bass line, I' will come in on perfect time, and answer._

_3rd March._

_She sat with me at lunch and I didn't breathe. Not once. I wanted to more than anything; I wanted to breathe in her scent, taste her fragrance on my tongue, swallow the air that she exhaled and keep it trapped in my belly for the rest of time… but breathe I would not. Could not._

_I sat with her in biology and paid attention to every detail of the way her hair cascaded over her shoulder blades, silk and chocolate and kissed with honey. Delectable. When her eyes caught mine, the tremolo of her racing heart vibrated through the floor tiles and up through my toes. I could almost see the breath leaving her nostrils in quick huffs that were equal parts nerves and erotica. I clenched tight to the underside of our lab table to keep myself stable enough not to let my icy fingers brush her scarlet cheekbones or worse, clench my jaws over the pulse of her throat._

_I would never hurt her._

_Her hands shake lightly when she's nervous, which seems to be quite often when I'm near her. As difficult as it is for me to believe it, I have never felt her project any sort of fear towards me. That could all change if she ever figures out what I really am, but I'm doing what I can to keep her in the dark about all of that. Keeping her in the dark for very selfish reasons, mostly._

_I can not lose her._

_Though I do not have her; I can not lose her._

_**7th March**._

_'Bella.' Her name means beautiful, but the word does this goddess of a creature no real justice. I have never met another quite as stunning. I wonder if she has any idea how exquisite she truly is._

_I've taken to scaling the walls of her house once the lights are dim and her breathing is even, letting me know she is safely asleep. It makes me feel better knowing I can protect her this way. And if I'm being honest, I truly adore the opportunity to visit her each night and watch her sleep. I can't seem to help myself, nor keep my distance… and my God is she fascinating while she is at rest. The steady rhythmic rise and fall of her chest and the nearly inaudible noises she makes as she dreams are beautiful and intriguing. I spend most nights staring at her, studying her, and committing the noises and movements of her body to memory so I can replay them and dissect them in an attempt to figure her out. I have nearly driven myself crazy in this attempt, for to this day I've yet to hear a single thought inside of her head that hasn't passed over her lips. She is woman and mystery and all around completely and frustratingly perfect. I not only want, but need to know more, to know everything there is to know about her._

_Last night, she dreamed of me and breathed my name and my eyes widened to the size of the planets in orbit around us. It was as though she and I were the only two people in all of existence and I felt myself lose control. It was no sort of blood-driven frenzy, but more so, a giving-over of my lifeless heart. She has me; completely and utterly, yet even giving every piece of myself to her I wouldn't feel it could possibly be enough. She deserves so much more than what I am and what I have to give. But again, I am selfish and I am in need of her._

_I l**ove**her._

_I will belong to her in every sense of the word, for the rest of my existence._

I slammed the journal shut and let it fall into my lap, dropping my head back against the wall behind me. More dry wall chipped off and fell to the floor, sprinkling over my hands and down my shirt collar. I sighed heavily and closed my eyes listening to the soundlessness of my heart as it crumbled away a little more inside of my chest.

xxxxx

This chapter ended up shorter than I originally thought it would be. But I felt like it was a good place to stop. Progression:) more to come soon! Reviews are more than welcome!

How many of you have journals?:)


	3. Je n'ai pas d'espoir

**A/N: SM owns all, no copyright infringement intended etc. mewithoutYou owns the title of the story, the name of this chapter, and my face.**

**Thank you to my muse, shamrockin, my beta, shevanishedlikeadream, & my alpha, asheneyed, and for the countless hours of headaches, listening to me complain but giving me support to keep going, and editing version after version of this demon of a chapter. I owe you all ten dollars. And all the hugs when I come home next month! Also, thank you to Courttruoc, I love you girl!**

Chapter Three

BPOV

It had been five weeks, three days, fourteen hours, and twenty seven minutes since he left me for dead out in the middle of the Olympic Peninsula's evergreen forest. (I may be completely numb to my surroundings, but there are certain things I am sickeningly aware of even still.) I despised myself for the fact that even as he confessed he didn't love me and was leaving me forever, I had allowed him to take my heart with him, as broken as it was, when he left. I was positive that he was both unaware of that fact, and more than likely wouldn't care if he did know.

I was nothing to him.

I was nothing, period. What life once existed in Bella Swan was long gone. I was now just an empty shell of the woman I could have been…would have been for him, if he would have let me try a little harder.

Who was I trying to fool, thinking that I honestly could have held such a beautiful creature's attention for any significant amount of time? I should be surprised he'd stuck around and entertained himself with me for as long as he had.

As I rolled out of bed, I immediately recognized the shock of the cold floor as my feet made contact with it for the first time that morning. Surprisingly, I was able to stifle the scream that threatened my lips by simply clamping my teeth together and holding my breath. I noticed the goose bumps as they rose up from beneath my skin and made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end, but they effected me slightly less than the day before. I rubbed my hand gingerly over the back of my neck, willing the hairs back down where they belonged as I exhaled a slightly-less-shaky-than-usual breath through my nostrils.

Progress.

Only days before, I had stopped wearing socks to bed so I could avoid that sort of ugly situation. Whenever he laid beside me or walked up behind me and whispered in my ear, the goose bumps lifted to the surface of my skin and those same hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention as I shivered in delight. That same feeling nowadays was anything but delightful and being overwhelmed with painful memories of him each morning as I stepped out of bed was too much for my fragile person to handle.

In fact, I had taken to avoiding every cold thing or circumstance possible even going as far as ordering "coke, no ice," and skipping the vanilla ice cream on my berry cobbler when Charlie and I would go to the diner to eat. I started drying off and even getting dressed while still standing in the warm and steamy confines of the shower before I stepped out from behind the curtain. I bought a water proof zip up bag to take into the shower with me so that I wouldn't even have to stick my arm out of it to grab my towel and clothing.

Oh, but it gets worse.

I refused to step a single toe outside of my house without my scarf wrapped snug around my throat (doing this was more symbolic than anything; I just refused to admit so, most of the time.) I had become so desperate to keep myself warm and away from as many of those damn memories that haunted my nightmares that I slept with not one, but two electric blankets; one to sleep on top of and one to cover myself with.

Yes, my sleep attire had gone from a simple pair of old sweat pants and a tank top to a pair of Charlie's old hunting pajama bottoms with the fleece lining, socks, a long sleeved t-shirt, and a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up, topped off by tucking myself into my electric blankets.

Many nights I awoke sweating profusely, my hair stuck to my cheekbones and my socks halfway down the soles of my feet, but I refused to uncover or shed even a single article of my clothing in fear of any slight chill I might encounter.

Pa-the-tic.

But on this day, I felt just slightly less pathetic. I was trying, anyway.

It wasn't necessarily a "good" feeling to not have a complete emotional breakdown from the minuscule happenings that usually reminded me of Edward, but a very small part of me almost sighed with relief over the fact. I was attempting school today for the first time in over two week. As I'd crawled into my bed last night, panic had nearly overwhelmed me at the thought of facing the entire student body, and I seriously, doubted that I would be able to handle it. I needed to handle it, for Charlie, but I didn't know how I would. My lack of a complete freak-out this morning gave me the slightest bit of hope that I could at least show up. Whether I was able to actually stay the entire day or not was another story. But I could get out of bed, and that was a step in the right direction.

I was still unconvinced that I would ever recover from the loss I'd suffered, but I was beginning to think that maybe this could get a little bit easier. Easy enough at least, to pretend I was getting better so Charlie would stop threatening to send me back to live with my mother in Jacksonville. And as stupid as it was, I wanted him to stop despising Edward so fiercely. I would forever be irrevocably in love with him and even though he had left me completely unprotected in the Washington wilderness, I couldn't keep myself from wanting to protect him, regardless. Even if the only things I could protect him from, as if he needed protecting, were the ill thoughts and feelings of my father.

I didn't bother grabbing breakfast when I'd finished numbly dressing myself and grabbing my book bag from the chair in my bedroom. I instead snagged the keys to my truck, which had hung in the same spot for the past two weeks save the one time Charlie had taken it into town and filled it up, and slowly walked out into the pouring rain. I tried to keep my breathing steady as I climbed into the bed of my truck.

Big, deep breaths Bella. Inhale. Exhale. There you've got it. I had been sitting there well over five minutes trying to keep myself from hyperventilating when a deafening snarl of thunder startled me back to reality. I shook my head, took one final stabilizing breath, and turned the key.

My truck roared to life and I turned the heat all the way up, pulling my scarf as snug around my throat as I could without choking myself. I backed out of my driveway and headed toward school, a feeling of foreboding swelling inside of me.

My hands shook the entire way to Forks High School. What would people be thinking and saying when I arrived? Everyone's going to be staring at me. It's going to be like the first day as the new student all over again, only ten times worse. What if people started interrogating me? Would I be able to answer them and not fall apart? No, probably not. One mention of his name and the carefully sewn seams I'd been working so hard on would just...come undone. My insides would be bare for everyone to see, and we couldn't have that. I would just have to avoid everyone.

Once I was parked, I pulled the hood up on my coat and gave my scarf a sharp tug for good measure. I stuck my iPod ear buds into my ears and turned up the volume enough so that it would drown out the voices of the people around me. Grabbing the strap on my bag from the seat behind me, I slipped it over my shoulder and slammed my truck door shut as my feet hit the pavement of the school parking lot for the first time in what felt like ages.

The breath escaped my lungs in shaky gasps as I trudged up to the front steps, staring at my feet and avoiding eye contact with the entire student body. As I started swiftly towards my locker, I noticed Mike, Jessica, and Lauren standing in the hallway talking. Lauren's back was to me, but Mike noticed me walking in and his eyes widened with surprise. I stopped dead in my tracks as Lauren turned her head to see what Mike was gaping at. The smug grin that crept up on her face made my stomach churn and I immediately changed course and darted into the bathroom panting like a marathon runner after a race. The plan was to wait until the bell rang and then I would make a bee line to English, avoiding Lauren Mallory and any of her snotty remarks. I couldn't handle her today.

As I paced up and down the front of the stalls in anticipation of the bell, I kept a nervous eye on the bathroom door. Anytime someone's feet paused and cast shadows through the crack, my teeth involuntarily ground together. I was scared to death that Lauren or Jessica or someone would walk in ready to fire questions and accusations at me. A younger looking girl, probably a freshman, stepped out of one of the stalls and startled me. She looked at me in shock as I spun around and practically dove out of her way, my hands slapping hard against the thickly painted white bricks of the bathroom. I pressed myself against the wall looking, I'm sure, as if I were trying to meld my body completely into it and disappear. The girl didn't say anything as she passed, but the pity in her eyes was evident as she studied my face and then turned and darted from the restroom. She didn't even bother washing her hands.

Taking a deep breath I pushed myself away from the wall. I walked as quickly as I could into my English class, ignoring the blatant stares and not bothering to pluck the ear buds from my ears until I'd reached my seat in the very back of the room. I pulled my notebook out and began drawing pointless lines and circles on the top of the page, doing everything I could to keep my attention on the paper and away from curious eyes. Lucky for me, class was pretty intense today; a lot of lecture and notes to take. Just before I knew the bell would ring, I gathered my things and darted out of the room.

I remembered a time when I wasn't the one fleeing from the classroom like a bat out of Hell. A time when my assumptions had been completely right: He hated me. I knew it all along, I guess. I laughed sourly at the memory and the irony of it all.

Emerging from the room, I shoved my headphones back into my ears and walked head down, directly to my next class. This is how the remainder of the morning continued.

As alone as I felt, and as hard as I had to concentrate not to lose it every time I walked into a classroom and felt his absence, I was willing myself to get used to things… hoping I'd be able to finish the semester to keep Charlie happy. It couldn't be too hard, could it?

The bell rang at the end of Spanish signaling that it was time for lunch. I decided to retreat to the parking lot to hide in my truck until it was over. The only things to do during lunch are sit, eat, and talk. I didn't want to talk. I didn't want to eat. I didn't even want to sit. In all honesty, the only thing I wanted was to curl back up in my bed and cry.

No.

I didn't want to cry anymore. I wanted to feel whole again. I wanted him to come back. I wanted to curl up in my bed with him. I wanted him to tell me that this was all just a terrible nightmare and that I had imagined all of the horrible feelings and the things he'd said to me.

He has a name, Bella.

I wanted him, Edward, to tell me he loved me and he wasn't going anywhere, like he had before.

But, I didn't just want it. I needed it. I needed it like air in my lungs and oh god, I was suffocating.

I started towards the double doors that lead into the parking lot when a hand caught my elbow, and I was suddenly being dragged in the opposite direction. I turned, eyes wide, knowing that the tears welling up in them were going to be evident to whoever had stopped me. I exhaled sharply as Mike grabbed me into a giant bear hug. I didn't hug him back. I didn't want to be touched at all.

"Bella, are you okay?" he asked. "Dammit, I've been so worried about you," he tightened his arms around me, not waiting for an answer.

Don't touch me! I thought bitterly. Being assaulted, no matter how friendly the gesture, was last thing I needed. I pushed against him, trying to wriggle my way out of his hold on my body without hurting his feelings. Thankfully, he let go immediately. His eyes were full of questions, relief, sympathy, and something else… anger, maybe? What did he have to be angry about?

I didn't know what to say to him and the air around us was thick with the awkwardness of his advances.

"Y-you know, Jess was worried about you too. And I know Angela has missed you. You should sit with us at lunch," he stammered, looking pleadingly into my face.

I was ready to decline the offer and turn back for my truck when Angela walked up. Her eyes were soft and caring, and as much as I hated that people felt the need to treat me like a porcelain doll on the verge of shattering into a million pieces, I appreciated the fact that there was no assumption or question in her expression. She was simply glad to see me and I could tell she wouldn't push me to talk about what I was feeling or going through.

I offered her a weak half-smile as she patted me on the back, doing a better job at respecting my personal space than Mike had.

"Are you going to sit with us today? I've really missed you, Bella," she said with a warm smile.

I swallowed hard, the moisture in my throat seeming to have disappeared along with my voice. I looked between Mike and Angela and finally nodded my head. Angela just smiled and nodded back at me and Mike let out a whoop, pumping his fist in the air in victory as we turned for the lunch room.

My shoulders slumped and I turned my gaze back to the doors leading to the parking lot. I could see my truck through the tiny windows and cursed myself for not being quicker at making my escape.

As we approached the cafeteria, my heart began to race against my ribcage like a hamster in a little metal wheel. I sucked the dense air of the cafeteria in through my nose attempting to slow my heart rate, the smell of grease and teenage hormones filling my lungs. Even though I had promised myself that I wouldn't… I couldn't… I did. I glanced quickly across the lunch room at the now vacant table that had once been inhabited by my former extended family.

My breathing hitched and I felt the lump in my throat threatening to escape in the form of a giant, hysterical sob. I swallowed as hard as I could and cringed as it dropped into my should be there. I should be sitting with them. This isn't right. I thought frantically, my eyes stinging with unshed tears. Throwing my arms around myself and hanging my head, I silently prayed I would be able to make it through the next half hour without going insane. Maybe later I'd be able to vomit up the horrible knot of agony rotting in the pit of my stomach.

Looking up through the hair that had fallen in my face, I noticed that Ben had saved a spot in line for Angela, and Jess was waving Mike over to sit next to her. A stunned expression overtook her features as her gaze flitted from Mike to my stumbling form following him to the table. I slowed my pace once I noticed the body sitting next to Jessica, twisting a strand of her dark hair around her finger and staring at me with a condescending smirk on her face.

Lauren.

Shit.

I sat down at the opposite end of the table from Jessica, staring blankly at the different patterns in the white tabletop. Thankfully, no one said anything to me; in fact, they did well to pretend I wasn't even there. It was as if I didn't even exist. I shuddered at the similarity between my thoughts and his last words.

Angela slid in next to me with Ben on her other side and squeezed the top of my leg, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Would you like something to eat?" she whispered so only I could hear. I shook my head, thanking her with my eyes and she didn't push. I really love Angela.

Lunch was almost over and the only people to have said more than "Hello" to me were Angela and Mike. I was relieved that I seemed to be in the clear conversationally, and I relaxed a little when I noticed we only had five minutes left before lunch was out. But good luck is never on my side.

With just four minutes to go, Lauren, Queen Mallory the Bitchtastic, decided to speak to me. I held my breath and refused to look her in the face.

"So, Bella," she sneered, flicking her hair over her shoulder and narrowing her eyes like a cat ready to pounce on its prey. "I like how the Cullens just up and ditched town. Doctor Cullen leaving the hospital with a slew of his patients needing to be transferred to other doctors like that. They're short handed as it is. Some good doctor he is," she scoffed.

My eyes began to sting and my face was suddenly ablaze. I realized I'd been holding my breath and sharply exhaled, shrugging my shoulders. Without looking up I knew she was staring at me, eagerly anticipating my reaction. When I failed to respond she continued to dig the knife in my chest even deeper.

"I thought you and Edward were like, 'all about each other'? What happened to that?" Her words were snarky and I knew she was enjoying seeing me squirm; bringing it to everyone's attention that a guy who didn't want her had dropped me like a bad habit after he'd convinced me I was something special.

"Shut it, Lauren. You don't have to be such a bitch! Cullen's a total dick anyway. Bella deserves much better than that loser. Good riddance!" Mike sneered, putting his arm around me. I was once again feeling protective of Edward, and felt my stomach churn at the way Mike talked about him.

"He's not a dick, Mike." My voice was raw and scratchy. They were the first words I'd said to anyone all day. I shrugged Mike's arm off of me and set my jaw in a last ditch effort not to burst into tears.

"No one's good enough for him, I told you that in the first place. You should have seen it coming. What did you expect, Bella? Did you really think you were special enough to hold his attention?" She burst out laughing then, and it was all I could take.

I stood up from the table and walked towards the door and closer to where Lauren sat. I turned to her not saying a word as the hot angry tears started to trickle down my cheeks. Every eye in the cafeteria was suddenly on me, but for once I didn't care. I stared Lauren down with every ounce of emotion I felt burning through my veins. She started to shift nervously in her seat, her eyes darting back and forth and refusing to meet mine. My eyes shifted quickly to the empty table across the room again and that's when I lost my composure completely. Before I turned and darted from the room I slammed my hands down on the table, my face just inches from hers and hoarsely growled, "Fuck you, Lauren!"

Her jaw dropping in shock was the last thing I saw before the tears blinded me and I stumbled my way to the parking lot and into my truck. I yanked the door shut and shoved the key into the ignition and as it roared to life, I slammed my foot down on the gas pedal and tore out of the parking lot.

Everything hurt. Every inch of my body, inside and out, throbbed without mercy. I was sobbing and screaming and heaving so hard that I couldn't understand how my body didn't just fall apart. I drove as fast as my truck would go not even paying attention to where it was that I was heading. My back began to ache as if I'd been stabbed with rusty butter knives over and over and over again. It was a ripping pain, much like the feeling deep within my chest where my heart lay destroyed and bleeding relentlessly.

I continued to drive through my hysterics until my head started swimming. Unable to see or breathe or function much at all, I threw my truck in park and everything went black.

Xxxxx

When I came to, my hair was twisted and matted against my face, stuck to my eyelids and cheeks with snot and tears. I didn't know at first where I was, but I felt the ache in my legs from being curled into an unnaturally tight ball. I slowly and stiffly unfolded my body and sat up, whacking my head on the bottom of my steering wheel. I squinted and rubbed my head, frustrated with the dull throb the wheel had left behind.

I was obviously in my truck... somewhere. I blinked a few times, attempting to clear my head, and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. My cheeks were sticky and swollen from crying and my sinuses were thick and stuffy. I looked around, confused for a few seconds, trying to guess how late it was and where the heck I'd gone.

As I took in my surroundings, even through blurry, sticky eyes everything became crystal clear.

The enormous Victorian-era house loomed over me with its white exterior, the huge bay window reflecting the surrounding trees, the winding wood staircase tangling its way to the front door, the three car garage attached to the right of the house where the driveway ended. My eyes then fell upon the window upstairs facing East; the one that he had launched himself from, my body clinging to his hard, muscular frame as tightly as I could as we flew into the trees and up, up, up. He showed me the world that day…his world.

Squinting hard through the rain pelting the windshield of my truck, I noticed the window he usually left open just enough to let in the fresh northwest breezes was shut tight. A symbolic gesture of the way Edward's heart was shut tight from me, not allowing the love I harbored for him and him alone to sweep through any longer. How lovely.

I sat, shaking my head in disbelief, unable to breathe. I hadn't been here since… since Jasper had tried to kill me. Since my birthday. The last good day I had with Edward. Why the hell did I come here? How did I get here and not realize...?

The tears began to flow again and I bit down on my bottom lip. With trembling fingers, I opened the door to my truck and stepped out into the still-pouring rain. As my feet hit the ground, I slipped in the mud and came down hard, slicing my hand open on the bottom corner of my truck door. I cried out in pain and clutched my hand to my chest. I pursed my lips together suddenly tasting the rusty salt flavor of blood on my mouth. "Damnit!" I mumbled running my finger over my lip and realizing I had bitten down on it when I fell. Light headed and queasy due to the smell and sight of blood oozing from my face and hand, I took my scarf off, gasping as the cool air hit the back of my neck. I wrapped the thick fabric around my wound to keep the bleeding at bay.

_Do not pass out. Do not pass out_. I repeated over and over, shoving my head between my knees, giant trembling breaths expelling heavily from my mouth.

The water and mud had soaked through my pants but I didn't care. I was hurt and frustrated and absolutely exhausted. I let the sobs wrack my body once again as I waited for the bleeding to slow and the queasiness to subside. The wound was full of mud and rain water and would more than likely need stitches. Fantastic.

After I'd had my fill of self wallowing, I pulled myself to my feet and stared through the downpour up at the house that my life had once inhabited. Before I even knew what was happening I was up on the porch and standing beneath the stoop, my hand hovering over the door handle.

_Bella, what the hell are you thinking? Turn around, get back in your truck, and go home. They're not here anymore. They left Forks. They left __**you**__!_

My conscience was screaming at me to go, but I was so drawn to this place. It was beyond painful to be back here, but I couldn't make myself turn around and leave. It was as if I had magnets stuffed into the ends of my shoes and the house was made of lead. I stepped forward, trying the door handle, and to my surprise it was unlocked. Debating momentarily on what to do, I finally pushed the giant oak door open with a straining exhalation and what hit me as the inside of the dark cryptic house was revealed, I was not ready for.

"Edward…" His name spilled from my lips with a gush of air that felt like it had been kicked from my gut. My hands clutched my stomach in response and I stood, gasping for air in the doorway of my painful past. It wasn't just the memories or the fact that I know he used to live here. It was so much more than that. I felt him. I smelled him. If I didn't know better, I would swear he was still physically there.

I couldn't handle it. It was all just too much. I slammed the door shut and ran, slipping twice on my way back to my truck. I dove inside, shifted into reverse, and tore out of the driveway, not allowing myself to look in the review mirror as I drove away from the closest I'd felt to Edward in nearly three weeks.

Once I was sure I was out of the deepest part of woods, I pulled the truck over, clutching my stomach and resting my head against the steering wheel. I was in absolute hysterics. I desperately wanted to run back and search every inch of that place until I found him. I knew in my heart I would have come up empty handed but I just could not shake the overwhelming sense of everything that was Edward. I was falling apart at the seams and for the first time since he'd left me I felt something that overshadowed the hurt and sorrow.

I was angry.

Angry with whom or what, I wasn't quite sure. I wasn't mad at Edward; he deserved someone far better than me. I wasn't necessarily angry with myself either. I couldn't help my feelings or the fact that I had allowed Edward to completely lead me on, but really, what had I done to deserve this?

Granted, I had chosen to become involved with the man that professed his love for me and then proceeded to crush my heart and soul into tiny, nearly unrecognizable pieces. But at the same time I didn't choose to fall in love with him, it just happened. And once it had, even now, after all the damage done, I couldn't stop loving him.

"Why me?" I said aloud to the empty bed of my idling truck. "God, why me?" I screamed it at the top of my lungs into the damp and darkening sky. What horrible, deadly, unforgivable sin had I committed that rendered me deserving of a fate so torturous? And why... why couldn't I have been made more beautiful, more interesting, and with the ability to be unconditionally and eternally loved by the man I loved so unconditionally and irrevocably?

"Why do I have to hurt like this?" My cries became soft, broken whimpers. "I just want the hurt to stop. God, if you're there, please just make it go away," I begged, over and over again.

"I'm gonna make it go away, Bella. I'm gonna make it go away..." His words resounded almost audibly inside of my head, echoing from the deepest places of my heart where I'd kept them locked up tight.

"Oh, Edward." My voice cracked on his name. It was like an unquenchable fire on my tongue as I stared off through the trees.

"Maybe I'm not the perfect creature that you deserve, but dammit, I loved you so perfectly. I don't know how anyone could love you as desperately and completely as I do. Can't you see that?" I mumbled through hiccups and the salty tears stinging my face.

"Please, make it go away. I want to stop hurting now. I want you. I want you to want me." The last sentence was a whisper as my never ending flow of tears and the bottomless pit of sorrow overtook me for the hundredth time since...

Five weeks, four days, four hours, and thirty-eight minutes ago.

Soon, my sobs quieted and my throbbing hand demanded my attention. I sat up, noticing that it was now dark in Forks. Charlie would be worried sick, so I headed for home. I would make up an excuse as to how I fell, and make Charlie drive me to the hospital to get my hand stitched up. I just had to compose myself first, so I drove very slowly, searching the trees in false hope that maybe… just maybe…

**End Notes: So, this chapter gave me Hell. To the point that I wanted to just throw it away and give up haha. Hopefully, it wasn't too disappointing. I'm hoping this is the last tough chapter for a while and I can finally focus on the story at hand Thanks for reading, adding me to your alerts/favorites, and of course for reviewing. While the reviews terrify me, they're also much appreciated and welcome!**

**This entire story was inspired by red wine, mewithoutYou, and a mess of emotions. They all deserve some credit again! Haha.**


	4. My Eyes Saw Fire, My Heart Said Escape

**I own nothing. SM owns everything. Edward owns my heart:) **

xxx

EPOV

It's funny what one will do to keep his head busy and far from the haunting thoughts that rattle around inside of it when he sits and contemplates. I plucked every piece of paper from the floor one by one at a less-than-human pace. Esme had left a broom and dustpan resting beside the refrigerator downstairs, so I used it to clean the dust and crumbles of dry wall scattered around.

Four hours after I'd started, my room was completely clean and organized. Not a trace of dust or dirt lingered on the records stacked in alphabetical order inside the massive bookshelf Carlisle had built for me as a birthday gift years before. A small stab of guilt built up in my chest as I recalled how much time he had put into making it for me. He spent the better half of a month working so hard to keep the intricate piece of furniture out of his thoughts whenever he was around me so as not to spoil the surprise. He slipped once, not knowing I had come home early from a quick hunting trip. He was so proud of himself for keeping the secret so long and was very nearly finished, having only to seal the paint and place the bow on top of it before he could present it to me the next day over my little family birthday gathering. I felt so guilty for having over heard his thoughts that I may have exaggerated my excitement a bit too much giving Carlisle an idea that I knew about his gift previous to recieving it. Luckily, once I'd toned it down, I was able to convince him I was unaware of the bookshelf, and the joy that overtook his face the rest of the night was a better gift by a thousand miles than the beautiful shelf he'd built.

As I traced my fingers over the newly clean wood, my hands trembled slightly. I missed my family. I missed Carlisle. My father. Part of me wished I had allowed them to come back with me, but it was impossible. As much as I longed for their unconditional love and support, it was too dangerous and far too unfair to bring them back here now.

God, I'd made such a mess of everything.

I took care of the cleaning utensils placing them back where Esme would have wanted them, and stepped out onto the back porch staring into the deep grey-green nothingness. Forks really was beautiful. It was a shame that beauty no longer held any weight in my life.

Nothing was beautiful.

Everything hurt.

I needed to, at the very least, get enough blood flowing into my system so as not to go completely out of control should one somehow stumble upon my whereabouts. I'd never forgive myself if I took an innocent human's life because I was too wreckless to allow myself what it would take to keep the world around me as safe as possible.

As my feet carried me away from the looming planks of wood holding my life together, the trees grew closer and my mouth began to water violently. I ran faster and harder becoming frantically aware of just how thirsty I really was.

_Edward this is not safe or smart. You need to hunt. Stop being such a masochist_. I could hear Alice scolding me inside of my thoughts.

Had she been here to reprimand me, though she'd have been completely right, I'd have stubbornly refused to hunt just to spite her and I knew it. This was just another reason my family could not be here with me. I really am an insufferable child. Bella needs a real man in her life. Two things I am not. Real or man.

I ran faster.

The trees began to take on a smeared oil painting sort of texture and my ears focused heavily on the retreating wildlife ahead of me. I left slippery footprints in my wake as I dodged thick underbrush and fallen evergreens. I was no longer anything beyond a feral hunter and the large herd of deer that had just moments ago been drinking deeply from the stream running along the outskirts of the small lush meadow, had recognized the approaching threat and were attempting to flee.

_Run, little ones._ I thought eagerly. _You'll never run fast enough..._

So few escaped my feeding frenzy that I had to head nearly forty miles out just to find room to hide the carcasses without the ground looking suspicious. Hunters in the area would be disappointed in their attempts at bringing home good venison this weekend. I was fairly certain I'd cleared the area for a good few days.

_You prick. You were only supposed to drink enough to function... this wasn't meant to be a reward, it was necessity. _I thought angrily as I stared at my reflection in the little brook while I cleaned the remains of my evening massacre from my neck and face. The brilliant yellow of my eyes was foreign to me, making my face almost seem as if it weren't my own. It was both disturbing and frightening and my stomach lurched at the sight.

I spun, flinging the water from my hands, and hurling once, twice, three times, expelling some of the blood that swished heavily in my gut. Too full. So much waste. At least two of those deer could have lived if I'd not been such a glutton.

_May God curse me for my sins, yet again._

A low, swift boom sounded off in the distance as I neared home, lost in self-flagellation and feeling stronger and more alert than I had in weeks. Thunder. It sounded so off. So... small. Then again, it had been ages, or so it seemed, since I'd heard thunder. Alaska wasn't exactly thunderstorm central.

My hands had just grasped the railing I'd leapt from as I flung myself back onto the porch when I heard it.

The booming sound of an old Chevy truck roaring to life... in my drive way.

I was rooted to the spot, crouched low against the porch railing as the rain drizzled heavy on my scalp. My heart wanted so badly to race out of my chest and into Bella's quivering hands.

Nothing made sense. Was she here? There was no way I could imagine-

That smell. Through the rain and the heavy oak door that moments ago I'd very obviously mistaken for some weak distant thunder, I could smell her.

In mere seconds I was at the front of the house, almost choking on the overwhelming poison that was her scent. Her blood.

Her blood.

_She's hurt_. I tore the door open and caught the small drop of rain dripping from the handle. There it was. It would have been impossible for human eyes to see, but being acutely aware of Bella and everything about her, I found the last bit of blood left behind by her wound on my door step. It rolled across the planes of my hand and fell with a resounding thud to the planks below my feet.

And then I was running again, fast and hard and without caution, through the trees that wound themselves tightly against the road that Bella's truck sped along.

_What the hell do you expect to do? You can't speak to her. You shouldn't even be THIS close to her, you fool._ I thought desperately.

But I had to know. I had to make sure she was okay.

Her tires slid around the wet curves in the street.

"Jesus, Bella! Slow DOWN!" I growled through gritted teeth.

There was no way she could have heard me, but thank God she listened. I couldn't see anything but the blurry outlines of her body through the rain-soaked windows. Her shoulders heaved as she decelerated. She was slowing too much. I was in a complete and utter panic. Was she going to pass out? Lose control of her car and come coasting into the trees? No. Not while I'm here. I knew the risk of being so close to her again; the massive toll it would take on my mental and physical well being should it come down to it, but I would do whatever I needed to keep her as safe as possible. I'd dive in through the passenger side of her car and pull her out with me. I knew how to roll just enough to keep her tucked into my chest without the pavement burning her delicate, porcelain skin.

Her blood. I thought frantically.

No.

Not that.

I'd just have to position myself between her front grill and the trees. Push her sideways and then pull her straight down the street. I couldn't stop her too fast or surely she'd end up with whiplash or a broken neck. I would have to be precise in where I sent her truck skidding. Maybe I could even do it without her seeing me. I think that would be the best for us both. I'd hate to hear what she'd have to say to me should she see me again.

Would she hate me? Would she care at all? Or would she be a complete mess as I am?

I watched with great relief as she pulled the truck over with ease. Good. At least she was coherent enough to stop safely and I wouldn't have to give away my hiding place in the trees.

God. Here I was again, hiding in the brush of the surrounding forest, watching her. My excuse being to keep her safe._ Selfish son of a b-... _and my thoughts were cut off abruptly when I heard her voice rattling my chest through the thin panes of glass and rusty metal of her truck bed.

"Oh, Edward." Her voice, like rusty wind chimes beating beautifully against my ear drums and stabbing deep and voilent into my heart.

"Bella..." I whispered as I grasped desperately at the trunk I'd slouched beside. My fingers crushed the bark to dust as I tried to hold myself together.

"Maybe I'm not the perfect creature that you deserve, but dammit, I loved you so perfectly. I don't know how anyone could love you as desperately and completely as I do. Can't you see that?"

_No. Oh... God..._ The world began to spin out of control. Could a vampire collapse? I couldn't sleep but I could die. I could die right here, drowning in her hopeless words.

"Please, make it go away. I want to stop hurting now. I want you. I want you to want me."

My chest nearly collapsed. I couldn't breathe, though it wasn't necessity that I did. My head swam and the world was dark and blurry and I was so dizzy I thought I'd throw the rest of my earlier meal up right where I sat, dirty, damp and reeling.

All I could ever do was hurt her. That's all I would ever, ever do.

_God let me die. Just let me die_. I pleaded inside of my unraveling mind.

I watched as she sniffled and put her truck into gear. I didn't see her face before she left, but I silently whispered after her as she drove away.

"I want you. I will always want you..."

An owl cried above my head, reminding me of the hour...

_Five weeks, four days, four hours, and thirty-eight minutes._

And then she was gone.

xxxx

***crouches behind the couch* i know... im an awful excuse for an author. how the crap long did it take me to get this out? I'm not going to lie though, I wrote this in its entirety tonight... can we say writers block? I promise I tried to get more of it out MANY times before but it just didnt happen. I think having the last two days to literally do NOTHING and being in someone else's house (im house sitting out in the sticks in a comfy pretty house) allowed me to really reconnect with this. so PRAY this continues!**

**A HUGE thank-you to Andrea (shevanishedlikeadream) for being SO encouraging and editing my horrible mistakes so that my sentences flow and sound pretty together haha. Also, thank YOU to all of you who are still reading this. To my new readers, welcome! I promise to try to keep this updated WAY more frequent than I have. I have some time on my hands now which is lovely.**

**If I dont get something else written before, MERRY CHRISTMAS! You're all darling. **


	5. Glazed Gazes and the Like

BPOV

I floated, languid and peaceful, ignoring the dull throb in my newly sutured hand.

Pain meds for the win!

I tried to giggle but I think I was sleeping, or somewhere in between, and my senses were heightened through the groggy, medicated fog. I could hear the ruffle of Charlie's mustache as it brushed against the underside of his nose and the edge of his upper lip. He was tired, worried, and not completely convinced my tale of attempting to go see Jake about the weird noise my truck was making was entirely true.

I'd told him that on my way to the rez the ticking was getting louder so I'd pulled over to the side of the road and slipped on my way out of the truck, slicing open my hand. Realizing it needed more attention than the truck, I came home. He'd sighed and shook his head, only midly scolding me for not coming to him first or at least calling to let him know I would be late getting home from school.

I was pretty sure he knew I wasn't telling him the complete truth.

He was right.

I snorted and the sound in my head reminded me of a tiny pig trapped inside of a seashell.

I giggled again.

"Bells, we're home." Charlie's gurgling voice urged as he softly shook me awake. His words sounded muffled, as though my ears were stuffed with cotton. I opened my mouth wide trying to clear them so I could hear better.

"Bella, baby. C'mon. Let's get you up to bed." It worked, a little any way.

My eyes pried themselves open slowly and the world had grown dark around me since we'd left the hospital. I looked around, lethargic, unable to properly move my limbs. The creases in my forehead became more prominent as I mentally scolded myself for not moving faster.

In a matter of seconds, I had been scooped from my seat in the cruiser and up into my dad's arms. Normally, this would embarass me, but tonight I didn't care.

Charlie sighed as he hefted me up the stairs. I hated the lines of worry etched into his aging face. The way his mustache twitched nervously and his eyes narrowed in concern made my stomach ache. There was no mistaking the night we were both entertaining in our heads. The last time Charlie had to carry me up to bed. The night _he _left.

"Dad. I luh few," I managed to slur once I was tucked deep into my blankets and Charlie had clicked off the light. He clearned his throat and I couldn't see him through the blackness, but I could hear him sigh and knew how low his shoulders sank with the effort.

"Love you too, Bells. More than you know. G'night, kiddo," he grumbled before closing my door and heading into his own room.

Had I not been so tired and drugged up, the guilt I felt for putting my dad through such hell would have easily kept me up most of the night. So, instead I dreamt of it.

I dreamt of chasing Edward through the woods, tripping over rocks and tree roots and tearing open already sutured wounds as I ran. I couldn't see Edward as I ran after him, but I could see Charlie's face each time I peeked over my shoulder. He was having more and more trouble keeping up with me, but he kept shouting, begging for me to come back.

"Please, Bella. Bella!" he cried, his face growing more tired and aged each time I chanced a glance in his direction. The last time I looked ahead, Edward had disappeared. I was chasing my own shadow. He was gone. Frightened, I turned back to find Charlie, but he too had disappeared.

I spun around like a clumsy dancer in great circles, panicked. I was alone. Completely and utterly alone. I fell to my knees in the darkness surrounding me now, grasping for something, anything. A hand, a face, a hole to crawl into and die. My hands burned as the wounds filled with dirt and sweat and I wept aloud, screaming for help.

"Bella!"

"Dad?" I managed to groan through my tears.

"I'm right here, honey. It's okay. I'm here!" But I couldn't find him. I couldn't see him. The dark, and the damp, and the trees were closing in on me like enormous, menacing hands, choking the life out of me...

And then I awoke with a start, my dad's hands clasped gently over my arms as if he were shaking me awake.

"Dad?" I croaked, half terrified and half relieved, the nightmare freshly engraved into my heavy eyelids. I placed a hand over my heart, feeling it slamming against my chest as I fought to steady my breathing.

It was only a dream.

I threw my arms around Charlie's neck and he cleared his throat, patting me lightly.

"You were having a bad dream, honey. It's okay." His voice was thick with worry and sleep.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I always put you through hell, Dad. I'm sorry that you always have to come after me and I never listen and-" I took a deep, calming breath and sniffled, knowing how uncomfortable showing major amounts of emotion made him.

Charlie cleared his throat and gently unwrapped my arms from his neck so he could look me in the face.

"Bella-" he started, seeming to consider how to say whatever it was he was thinking. He sighed heavily and continued.

"We're gonna get through this. You got it? I won't let you fall, baby. Not ever." The seriousness in his tired face made my sobbing begin all over again.

"Dad-"

"Shhh. It's okay, it's okay. Here." He handed me a pain pill and a glass of water. I took it willingly, noticing then that I'd ripped my bandage off in my fitful sleep and the burning in my hands from my dream was caused by the angry wounds rubbing against my blankets.

Charlie bandaged me up again and tucked me back into bed. I shivered, cowering away from the sudden chill in the air. Had he turned the heat down in the night?

"Hm. You, ah... want me to close that?" Charlie asked, staring over my head toward the window. My eyes wandered to where his rested. I never left my window open, ever. Yet there it was, parted ever so slightly, like lips awaiting a tender kiss from their lover. Just below the glass and above the sill where the two should be fiercely connected and keeping me safe from the cold night air was a crack only wide enough to slip the tips of your fingers into. It was so small, but more than large enough to allow gusts of frigid air to creep in.

"Bells-"

I nodded my head vigorously and sunk deep into my covers, trying to remember what reason I would have had to open my window, or why on earth I would have ever left it open had I opened it in the first place.

I didn't. I KNOW I didn't.

Charlie pressed the glass back into place with a firm tug and pulled my curtains closed. I shut my eyes to keep the tears from spilling over my cheeks before he went back to his own bedroom. I felt his lips briefly touch the crown of my head and then he was gone.

I kept my eyes shut tight, fighting the urge to turn back and examine the branch scraping along my window panes. The lazy scratching sounded like fingernails trying to dig their way through the cool glass and into the warmth of my bedroom. I knew it was only a branch, I'd heard it scrape along the house many a windy night, but something sounded softer about it tonight. Different.

_It isn't him. _I thought sourly.

The door to Charlie's room clicked shut, I pulled the blankets over my head and fell apart a little bit more.

xxx

The rest of the night was fitful. Nightmare after nightmare rolled endlessly through my medicated brain. Thank God I had kept myself quiet enough to allow Charlie to sleep the rest of the night. The last thing I needed was to have kept him up all night long, knowing he didn't have the option of calling out from work the next day.

I, on the other hand, would be steering clear of school again until Monday.

I stumbled into the kitchen, favoring my sore, itchy hand. Being so medicated without any food in my stomach made me nauseous, though my appetite eluded me. I ransacked the cabinets and my stomach growled at the sight of the box of CoCo Wheats in the back behind the pancake mix and canned corn.

It's not the easiest thing in the world to cook with one hand, but I managed.

Once I was settled into the couch, the dishes sitting unwashed and full of water in the sink, I flipped the television on simply for background noise. I'd hardly made it through half of my breakfast when a loud knock on the door sent my spoon flying from my hands to the carpet and my heart soaring into my throat.

"Holy-"

BAMBAMBAM!

"Bells! Hey! You in there?" the muffled male voice called through the door as he rattled the door knob.

I got up, snatching my dirty spoon from the floor and flinging it into the sink as I walked by, grumbling under my breath. Spying through the peep hole before I opened the door, I saw Jacob Black standing there with a tool box in his hand and a giant, shit-eating grin on his face. I rolled my eyes and sighed, pulling the door open slowly.

"Hey... Jake... what are you doing here?" I asked, in no mood for company.

"Your dad called this morning and asked me to come take a look at the truck. Said there was some sort of knocking sound going on under the hood?"

Insert giant inward groan here.

I should have known Charlie would have called Billy after my little incident. I'd forgotten the part where the noise stopped and must have been nothing after all when I'd told my little story.

"Oh. I think it's fine, Jake. It must have just been a stick or something dragging along the underside of the truck," I lied, terribly.

"Well, I can at least take a look and make sure it's nothing. If something is wrong you know I can fix it. I rebuilt the engine on the thing practically all on my own." Jake smiled, puffing his chest out a bit, making him seem even taller than he was.

I chuckled. The kid always was one to be proud of his handyman skills.

I felt bad for lying but I couldn't really go back on it now. Besides, I didn't think Jake would understand, so I let him have his fun. I watched as he tinkered around under the hood, tapping things here and wiggling hoses there, a slight frown set into his brow as he concentrated.

The sun was actually shining today and it felt warm on my face. I was thankful for the change in the weather. I needed the warmth.

"Hmmm," Jake said finally, pulling his head out of the giant monster's mouth and wiping his greasy hands over his faded blue jean cut-offs.

"Well... everything looks fine. I'm not too sure what was going on with it but if you have any other problems, feel free to call. I don't mind making house calls. Especially for cute girls who make mud pies and throw worms at me." Jake winked, his teasing smile lighting up his entire face. I didn't know whether to smile back or run inside and lock the door behind me.

Cute girl? Jake wasn't aware of girls being cute. Jake was Jake. He was my buddy from the rez, the kid that made me feel like I was just one of the guys. The rat haired boy who flicked boogers at me and got into slap fights with me and jumped through mud puddles during rainstorms.

"Yeah, well... sorry I didn't call you myself. I wasn't entirely convinced I trusted a kid notorious for eating mud pies to plink around under the hood of my truck." I smirked. Deciding to ignore the cute girl comment, I went the non-flirtatious route instead. I hoped upon hope he'd let the awkward Rico Suave crap go.

"Whatever, Swan. If you remember correctly, you made them too. Besides, if you think you could ever fix a problem with this big guy," Jake patted the hood of the big red beast, pursing his lips, "I invite you to give it a go. But I'll be waiting when you come crawling down to the rez on your car-less, filthy, mud-pie-master hands and knees begging me to fix it for you."

Before I could even think, my good hand went sailing into Jake's chest, fierce but playflul. I gasped as Jacob lost his footing and tumbled to the ground, clearly not expecting such a heavy blow to have been my reaction to his teasing.

"I-I'm sorry!" I stammered rushing forward to offer him my good hand.

Jake looked up at me, the shocked expression still plastered to his face as I reached out to help him up. I was still scrambling for the proper way to apologize when suddenly, Jake burst into hysterical laughter. I started to giggle too as he took my hand and allowed me to help him to his feet.

"Someone's been eating their spinach," Jake snorted. "I didn't know those scrawny little arms of yours had it in 'em!"

"You're asking for another beat down, Black. I'd quit while you're ahead," I snapped, pulling my hand from his and crossing my arms over my chest, clutching my "scrawny" upper arms self-conciously.

Jake shook his head and continued to chuckle, throwing his arm around my shoulders.

"Yeah, okay Xena." he smiled, moving slightly to avoid the elbow I threw into his side.

"So, no school today?" he asked, not seeming to notice how stiff and uncomfortable my stance had become.

Raising my bandaged hand so he could see it clearly, I shook my head.

"Can't write with a bum hand, you know."

"Eh, you've got two of 'em. Come on, Swan. You're tougher than that."

He was teasing, but it still made me grimace. I wasn't really that tough at all. He had no idea just how weak I was, in fact.

"Well," he sighed, looking up at the sun. " I should probably head out."

I prayed the relief I felt over this statement wasn't too obvious to Jake. He was a sweet kid, but I was definitely anxious for relief from my 'hostess' duties.

"Thanks for stopping by," I sighed, and I truly meant it. It was all too kind of him to take time out of his day just to make sure my truck was running smoothly. His heart was very thoughtful.

"Anytime. You should know that," he grinned. I nodded awkwardly and stepped back from his towering form.

Jake turned toward the Rabbit and I started to head for the front door when I heard him calling behind me.

"Oh, Bella! Wait! I was wondering... do you have dinner plans for tonight?"

I turned slowly back around, my heart sinking at the sight of Jacob's hopeful smile.

"I... uhm... Charlie... you know." I stammered, my cheeks flushing a flustered pink.

Jacob chuckled.

"He's more than welcome to join us, Bells. We'll make it a family affair!" he cheered, throwing his arms wide. His care-free spirit nearly bringing me to tears. He was so young, so naive; so free from heartbreak and the troubles that growing up brought along with it. I envied him for it.

"Awh... c'mon Bella. I promise we'll have something more appetizing than rain soup and mud pies," he chuckled, twirling his keys around his finger and staring at me expectantly.

I thought a moment, my reclusivity dying to shoot Jake's innocent offer down without hesitation. But then I thought about how happy it would make Charlie to see me making an effort at happiness. Maybe seeing me socializing with people other than himself and the occasional mandatory conversations that came along at school with teachers or peers would offer him a bit of peace. I was also sure that he would eat up the opportunity to spend time with Billy without worrying about me sulking around at home or getting myself hurt somehow.

Finally, I resigned my hermit tendencies and sighed.

"Yeah, alright. I'll let Charlie know the plan as soon as he's out of the station tonight."

Jake whooped, pumping his fist in the air.

"I'm looking forward to spending time with you again, Bella. You know, now that we're all grown up and over the whole 'cooties' thing. Besides, I've traded in my kitchen set for a tool kit and garage full of sweet rides now that I'm a man." He grinned, pounding his chest with his fist like the giant ape he was.

Swallowing thickly at his semi-flirtatious behavior, I nodded my head and continued toward the house; my safe haven.

"Man. pff." I chuckled. "I'll see you later tonight, Jacob. Thanks again!" I waved and jogged up the front steps, slamming the door without bothering to listen for a retort or response.

Well... it looks like Charlie and I have a date tonight with the Blacks.

_"I can do this. I can do this," _would be my mantra for the remainder of my day.

Hopefully, I would prove myself right...

xxxxx

Two jobs is hard work. It makes writing two stories even harder work. I'm slow. I'm sorry. I hope you enjoyed the read.


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